Marriage Advice from 2 People Who Know Nothing About Marriage

I wrote this to my best friend for her wedding day, and since I have a few engaged friends now, I thought I could de-personalize some of it and post it here:

If you haven’t already been overwhelmed with marriage advice, prepare yourselves.  Because it’s coming.  Everyone in the world thinks they have the recipe for a perfect marriage.  And while we definitely do not consider ourselves experts, we have just a tiny bit more experience than you.  So, while there is no one true way to have a happy marriage, here are some things that help us every day.  Maybe they will speak to you.

1.         Sometimes you need to go to bed angry.  When it’s late and you’re both tired and have dug in your heels on your side of the argument, sleep may be the only answer.  Now, this does NOT mean sleep in different beds.  We have a rule for our marriage that we do not leave.  That means you don’t leave the house during an argument and you don’t leave the bed at night if you’re angry.  Get yourself to a point where you can still kiss each other good night, and then pick up in the morning.  You will have clarity and perspective after a good night’s sleep.
2.     .   Be silly.  This one was Philip’s.  You can’t feel self-conscious with each other.  So, do silly things.  Dance around.  Make funny faces.  Tell a joke that you both know isn’t funny and laugh at it anyway.  Talk for your animals (Ok, maybe that’s just us…)  Skip going out for a night and stay in playing board games (We have the directions for drunk Candyland, if you’re interested).  Don’t worry about looking cool and smooth and awesome to the other person.  You guys have vowed to be partners for life.  So, you need to know each other’s silly sides.
3.      .  Face up to your problems.  You’re going to go through rough patches throughout your life together.  And it might seem easier to just ignore it and go on with your life.  But you can’t.  Sometimes you have to look the other person in the eye and say “Things aren’t good right now,” and face it head on.  Because, even when you’re in the middle of a really bad time, and you’ve fought every night for a week, and you just want to quit, you have to know that you’ll come out of it.  But, it won’t happen any sooner if you ignore it.  Marriage is going to have a lot of ups and downs.  So, remember you love each other and make sure you tell the other person that regularly, and work through it.  It’s worth it to make it to the next up.
4.     .  This one’s mostly for the girls (but boys can definitely listen).  Sometimes, it’s ok to order a pizza.  The word “wife” carries so much weight.  And when you become one, you feel like you have to live up to the title.  But you don’t.  Getting married doesn’t change who you are.  You’re not going to come back from your honeymoon and have perfect dinners on the table for your husband every night.  So, cut yourself some slack.  When you see other wives on facebook or blogs or whatever, remember that they are imperfect.  They fight with their husbands.  They have nights when they don’t want to cook.  They feel self-conscious and inadequate.  So, make up your own definition of “wife”.  For us, Philip’s the cook.  I’m the pizza-suggestion-maker.
5.      .  In-laws are really complicated, but also really awesome.  When you have in-laws, things get tricky.  The family you grew up with is still your family, but now you also have this new one.  So, watch what you say about your spouse’s family so you don’t hurt them, but also be supportive of your spouse ALWAYS when they’re struggling with their new in-laws.  This part of marriage is tough to navigate, but it’s necessary.  And, now that you’re married, your family has doubled in size.  You have new siblings.  You have nieces and nephews and parents who love you.  Take the good with the bad when it comes to your new family, and know that things will get easier the longer you’re married.
6.      .  Regardless of what people may tell you, there is no leader in your marriage.  Sometimes one of you will feel weak and need some help.  And sometimes it will be the other person feeling that way.  You have an equal responsibility to take care of each other.  Every big decision that affects your marriage needs to be made by both of you, never just one of you.  You’re a team now, and your individual actions affect the team as a whole.  So act in a way to that is helpful to your new life together.
7.      .  Pick your battles.  You’re going to hear this from a lot of people, but that’s only because it’s REALLY important.  You can’t die on every hill.  Sometimes you have to decide if winning the fight is worth the damage it might do to your relationship.  No one is keeping score.  At the end of your life, you won’t remember how many arguments she won and how many he won.  And when you do argue, don’t fight dirty.  You can’t take back the mean things you might say in the heat of an argument, so don’t say them in the first place. And, if you figure out the best way to pick your battles, let me know.  Because I fail at this a lot.
8.        It’s easy to feel a little disappointed once the wedding’s over.  All of those people who were so interested in all of your wedding plans and constantly asked to see the ring and were so excited for you have moved on to the next engaged couple.  This isn’t to depress you, it’s just reality.  Once the wedding’s over, you’re the married couple, which isn’t nearly as exciting as the engaged and planning their wedding couple.  But here’s what those people don’t know:  This is the best part.  This is the part that’s just you two.  People won’t be constantly throwing their opinions at you about flowers and where your ceremony should be.  You get to make your own lives now.  And you get to do it together.  So, once those wedding gifts stop trickling in, remember that you both already have the greatest gift in each other.
9.        Make it your own.  Your marriage won’t look like ours.  It won’t look like your siblings’, or your parents’, or your friends’.  Your marriage will be completely unique to you two.  You may not be the couple that plans out your meals for the whole week, or goes to church together, but you are a couple that rocks at your relationship.  You have all of the skills you need to be awesome already, because you got to this point.  Now, you can just enjoy the rest of your lives painting the picture of what your marriage is.

We are so incredibly happy for the two of you, and we can’t wait to see how your story is written.  Congratulations, and good luck!  Because this is the part that matters.

This post is dedicated to all of my friends who are making and have made the huge decision to spend the rest of their lives with one other person.  It’s a really scary decision to make, but as far as I can tell, it’s totally worth it.  And, also know that we really don't have it all together and probably never will.  And I bet in 10 years I'll look at this list and think that I gave horrible advice and that my views on good marriage advice will be totally different.  But, this is just what I know now, so maybe it will help other people.

And, seriously, isn't my best friend the most stunning bride ever?!