I'm not in the greatest place right now. And the word that comes to mind most days is "inadequate." I've been feeling like I'm not enough. I'm not doing enough, I'm not making enough, I'm not successful enough, I'm not happy enough.
I get to spend every day with my nephew. And I love it. I've loved being able to watch him grow and learn things and I'm pretty sure he does something new and awesome for me every day. I love it. I love going to sleep at night and not stressing about going to a job the next morning that I hate. I love spending time with him. I love the flexibility of being able to run home if I forgot something, or pick up something at the store with him, or pick up my husband from school. I love it. I also love that my other job is entirely online. So, if my nephew decides he's much too grown up for napping :-) I know that I can answer emails and do my work at night, or first thing when I wake up. And I love that job as well. I'm good at it and I enjoy doing it. I work with some awesome people.
But then there are those times when I meet someone for the first time and the dreaded question comes up: "What do you do?" I always hesitate. See, I was a nanny right out of college. I took care of two sweet boys who were in school, so I had most of the day to myself after getting them off to school and before picking them up in the afternoon. It was the perfect job for a 22-year-old just starting out as an independent adult. Now I'm 27 and my first answer for that question is "I'm a nanny." And when I say that, as much as I love my job, it hurts a little. Only because, I feel like the last 5 years of working and living and doing so many things don't mean anything anymore. Because I'm back where I started. So, I usually answer with "Well, I do a few things. I take care of my nephew during the day, and I also do customer service and tech support for an online school. Oh, and I'm also going to school." I'm pretty sure after the first sentence, people stop listening.
I recently got accepted to nursing school and I was excited for about 5 seconds before panic set in. It's going to be really hard. There is a chance that I will fail. My husband and I are waiting until I'm done with school before thinking seriously about starting a family. We think about finances and paying off debt with the thought "Well, one day I'll be making more money as a nurse." I didn't realize until I got into the program how much pressure I was putting on myself.
Lately, I've been wondering why I keep waiting for something else to happen before I can be happy. I don't want to wait until I'm in nursing school or until I graduate from nursing school to feel like a productive person. I don't want to wait until I'm a mom to feel like my family is complete. I don't want to define myself by what I'm hoping to do in the future. I want to be who I am TODAY.
Today I am married to a wonderful man who is patient and kind and makes me laugh every single day.
Today I had students tell me that they were so impressed with our customer service because of how I treated them.
Today I took a training walk for the Susan G. Komen 3Day, which I have raised more than $2,300 for (for the 5th year in a row).
Today I took some photos that I'm really proud of, and last year I didn't even own a camera.
Today I worked on my best friend's bridesmaid bouquets that are beautiful and that I can't wait to show her in person.
Today I'm doing a lot of things that I love to do and that make me happy. And that's really all I can ask of myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment